A list of ways you may be showing your true colors
1. Label yourself as an Ally
Enough with the labels! Isn’t that how we got to this point in the first place? You do not need to call yourself an ally to be one. When you hear or see something oppressive, just defend what is right because it is right. It is not enough to “identify” as an ally.
Our actions should speak for us so that others will identify us as allies.
2. Justify yourself by listing everyone you know who belongs to the group you are speaking about
If you can list all the people you know in a certain group, you probably are not an ally to that group. Having a friend, family member, or acquaintance does not “qualify” you in some way to defend them or speak for them.
No matter how many people we know in any group — even one we personally belong to —we never get to speak for other people.
3. Make friends with an oppressed person to show you are “woke”
You don’t get to choose who likes you. When an oppressed person needs support, they don’t necessarily want to be friends with you. They just want to stop being oppressed. They probably don’t want to be your “token.”
Don’t try to be liked. Try to make a difference. That often means making some enemies. Defending the rights of someone you do not know or like is more akin to justice than defending your friends.
If you are going to be friends with someone, let it happen naturally. Anything other than an authentic friendship is not a service to anyone. If you have friends of another social group, take advantage of the opportunities to listen and learn about your friends and yourself. A true friend will expect you to be flawed but will appreciate your humble efforts to improve.
Also, if you say things like, “I was talking to my gay friend Reggie…” when it is not relevant to the conversation, is Reggie truly your friend? Or is Reggie your token?
4. Assume one person represents the entire group
The current global population is nearly 8 billion people. We cannot all be the same, despite the many things we have in common. One person cannot represent every member of an entire race, religion, gender, lifestyle, city, etc.
Let us honor a world made of individuals. We should not place expectations on others nor ourselves.
5. Believe you know how it feels to be someone else
You might be very close with a person in another social group. You can learn quite a bit about what it might be like to live in that person’s situation. You may even feel some distress because of proximity. Despite some privilege, you may have experienced something similar due to intersectionality. But you do not know what it means to be that person.
If people stare at you because of someone you are with but would not do so if that person were not present, it is not about you — no matter how close you are.
Until you have lived from birth until death in the body of another, you cannot know what it is like to be that person. Rather than insist that you have been through the same thing, recognize that you can only imagine how it must feel.
6. Only speak to people in your own group
If you only interact with people who reinforce your ideas and values, you may be offending someone you think you are defending. Speak to as many people you can about the issues you want to support.
This is especially important when rules, standards, or laws are being created that affect specific people more than others. “Nothing about us without us” is a good rule to live by. You may be unknowingly excluding people when you have an idea you think is helpful.
If you are on a committee to help people with a specific set of needs, look around. Are those people at the table? Will certain people’s lives be disproportionately affected? Do these people have any power or voice in the matter? Rather than assuming you know what is best for others’ well-being, ask what their needs are. Get opinions and ideas from people who are truly being affected by the policies at hand. Better yet, insist that they be given an opportunity to participate in the dialogue, and validate their voices.
7. Expect to be exempt from prejudice yourself
Maybe that thing you did or said was not intended to be racist, sexist, or to reflect your able-bodied cis-het privilege. Maybe there was nothing ill-willed from your perspective. If you think it is unfair to have one incident misjudged because of your race, gender, or body type, remember there are people who have to live with that EVERY DAY, 24/7. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and take one for the team. Apologize and try to do better — even if you don’t think you were doing that bad in the first place.
Defending the rights of others does not give us a pass to stop reflecting on our own unconscious support of oppressive culture.
8. Expect thank yous and accolades for your sacrifice
We do not need or deserve to be recognized or glorified for something we should have been doing anyway. The whole point is to shift the focus from the dominant culture that readily enjoys representation and give space to those whose voices have not been heard as much. We do not need credit for giving up the platform we have been (perhaps unwittingly) hoarding.
Let’s stop making it about us. Maybe we will learn something if we shut up and listen.
9. Be a fair-weather friend
Many of us that enjoy privilege endure very moderate risk when we speak out against oppression. We may complain about racism among people we know are not white supremacists but say nothing when we hear unfounded racist remarks. We may defend gay marriage in social media, but we don’t want our pastor to find out.
We show our true commitment to one-another when we have something to lose. If you are with someone who is being mistreated, do something (other than calling police). Say something. If you do not know what to say, stand by them. Make your alliance known. If you disagree with the rules, bring attention to them.
Take risks for what you truly believe in. For some people, just being alive is a risk. There are many things we can do that will not truly endanger us but might make a difference for someone else who is in danger.
